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Literally I just have this realization while watching a TV show… like… HOWWW.

She literally just starts talking to neighbors… random strangers…

like just out of no where…

Wtf…

Was she always like this? Did her having children changed and just made her not fear that anymore? Like does survival triumph everything else and so just have to be fearless to pave the way for us

Oh why the hell is my dad kinda just… idk I see a part of him in me…

He’s been in the US for 15 years and barely any English…

I mean like the quietness part… cuz my mom managed… which I’m attibuting the English ability to the confidence thing vs my dad’s quietness and I just feel like he’s unassertive…

Like my mom practically runs the household lmfao…

Looking at it this way… it no wonder why my mom would be so disappointed in my depressed-ass

I mean if I were in my mom’s position… I’d hate me too…

I’m such a disappointment…

Probably being autist myself, social interactions are a nightmare for me. However, to circumvent the freeze they would cause, I either try to interact 1-1, so I have only one to interpret, or if there are more people to talk to, I” turn off” the part of my awareness that says how many people are surrounding me. Perhaps the same discipline could be applied to plain introvertion?

Also thinking negative is a downward spiral. You say you’re a disappointment, but instead the lack of social interaction skills could be seen as a sign of what’s to improve. Maybe consider doing a communication or theather course, or something of the sort to help?

You just start doing it. See a random person, say something to them. The more you practice, the better you get at it, like literally anything else.

She literally just starts talking to neighbors… random strangers…

like suggested already. You need to start

I would add to that: and you need to be fine with the idea that you will think you suck at it (and maybe will), for a while.

We all suck at learning something new.

That’s like learning to read and to write: you don’t start by writing the next Great American Novel, right? You effing fill silly amount of pages with clumsily traced letters and with endless mistakes. Or learning to ride a bike: you will not win the next ‘Tour de France’ a few days after you started pedaling for the first time… you won’t even be able to immediately remove your safety wheels. Or learning to… walk: you certainly did not start by winning a marathon? Like all of us, you started by falling on you toddler diapered bottom. We all did.

You learn by trying and by failing. We all do. And there is no shortcut to that, doesn’t matter how stupidly and how hard the modern educative system is trying to persuade you you can and deserve to ‘easily’ succeed: that’s a lie. It’s hard work and a lot of failed attempts or you won’t learn shit (see how kids get out of schools nowadays barely able to write their names and to read)

He’s been in the US for 15 years and barely any English…

Maybe it is not that important to him? As someone probably older than your dad, I can say there are plenty things I could be doing and I have never done myself, because I don’t think they’re that important to me. Once again, we all.

I’m such a disappointment…

As long as you think of yourself as some kind of special failure, you won’t be able to step out of the shit place you seem to be stuck in. We all wish we could be better at this or that, or at everything we’re not. That’s to be expected.

Also, at least as important: keep in mind that thinking of oneself as a failure that the world should blame is just the reverse way of thinking of yourself as a wonderful and unique person that the world should admire… Both point of views are mistaken. Entirely. Both show the same… fear that one can also see, but in a much less self-destructive, in the ‘I’m a perfectionist’ excuse countless people use all the time to never do a thing. ‘I can’t, because I won’t do it perfectly’. Which is bullshit: what they’re really saying is ‘I’m too afraid of failing to even try, and if what people will say when I fail’ (or I’m tool lazy but this one is much rarer imho). And, no, I certainly never learned that myself first hand because, quite obviously, I’m perfection :p ;)

Seriously, get rid of that shit. It took me decades to do it. Don’t waste as much time as did.

These last lines are so sad to read from a mom POV.

It’s simple.

Talk to random strangers over 50 years old. The people who grew up without phones. To them, a conversation with a stranger is normal. “Is there a good bakery nearby?” “I like that T-shirt.” “No one is going to get mad or call the police.

It’s like any other exercise. You pick up a 2 kilo dumbbell on Monday and by Friday you’re up to a 5 kilo one.

You might not be fearless, few of us are, but you can be brave. Being brave means doing things that scare you.

Everything is difficult when you’ve never done it. Everything gets easier with practice and experience.

We are in charge of our own lives, and we can change how we behave and approach the world.

Those three things are what led me to go from sitting in my room never interacting with my neighbours, to seemingly outgoing, stopping to speak with people on the street, suggesting activities with colleagues etc. It’s still not natural to me and i must decide to do it every time, but it’s easy and not as scary now that I’m used to it.

One big caveat though: I didn’t start this evolution until I moved out from a repressive situation. I didn’t even consider that I could. Being repressed and oppressed makes you lose sight of yourself, your strength, your opportunities and possibilities for growth - your potential.

But you HAVE potential, and you CAN start this journey right now: Say something about the weather to a cashier. Ask someone at the bus stop where they got their scarf. Ask a stranger at the store if they recommend chunky or smooth peanut butter. Practice small social interactions outside of your home.

Do the scary thing because you know you need it and you know practice is the only way to learn. Be scared and brave.

Being older makes it easier to care less, but only if you practice caring less when you’re younger. It doesn’t happen if you don’t want it and don’t work towards it.

She probably didn’t have a mother that thought she was a disappointment.

No way… my maternal grandmother lives with us right this moment… I know her… words are like flying knives…

I mean it hurts less since she’s not my mother so whenever my mom yells at me… I just take my anger out on grandma… then my mom yells at me again lol…

I think I’m just a bad child with emotional contol issues… but then again… thanks mom… you created who I am…

An anomoly in this world…

what am I even saying…

Oh yea btw been awake for like 20 hours by now…

dont wanna sleep… sleep is a waste of time… don’t need it…

wanna continue binge watching… whatever I was doing…

Of course you’re a “bad child” with such a family. Don’t be too hard on yourself :) no one would be problem-free in your situation. I would hate to be in such a situation.

Your situation sucks but it’s not impossible to change. You need to somehow get away from this bad influence. I know that that’s especially hard with your separation anxiety.

You just said your mom created who you are. That’s definitely true in many ways. But you’re you’re own person now, and you can make your own decisions. You don’t have to be what your mom/family made you.

You don’t necessarily need to immediately physically get away from them, but at least you have to limit their bad influence on you. If someone shouts at you, try to not take it personally, just think something like “well, there she goes again, she feels bad so she has to try to make me feel bad as well” or something like that. Because that’s what’s happening.

But it really seems to be like you need to physically get away as well. Idk, maybe just sit in a park or a cafe or really anywhere, somewhere where they can’t find you. Short times at first maybe, but longer if possible.

What are you watching right now? :)